Kim ain’t new to this. She’s been caught in the cycle so long, it’s become part of her rhythm—wake, hit the weed, chase it with liquor, crash, repeat. She’s not the kind of woman who sugarcoats anything. When she speaks, it’s raw, just like her story.

She admits to fighting brutal battles with both alcohol and weed. Nine outta eleven symptoms of severe alcohol use. Seven outta eleven for weed. That ain’t light. That’s deep in.

“I always start with one of those little airplane bottles,” she says. “Then it’s half pints. Then I’m grabbing the big bottles with the handle.” That’s not just casual drinking—that’s full throttle.

With weed, it’s the same slide. “Used to go through an eighth in ten days. Then five,” she shrugs. “Now I’m smoking as soon as I wake up—before I even get my first drink in.”

She knew she was slipping. Again. “I knew I was gonna be in trouble. That’s why I came back here.” She’s been in programs before. Left a few. Tried to stay clean. But the grip is tight.

“When I get going,” she says, “I put my drink above everything. I’ve even drunk hand sanitizer when I couldn’t get to the liquor store.”

That ain’t just addiction. That’s desperation.

The weed? “I crave that more than liquor. Some days I wanna scream it’s so bad.” The way she tells it, her depression talks her into it. Says it helps. But she knows. “It probably doesn’t,” she admits. “I just tell myself that.”

Her family? The damage runs deep. “My son keeps his distance. My daughter, too—especially when I’m drunk.” She misses birthdays, holidays, and loses jobs. The weed isolates her, too. “I stay to myself and smoke,” she says.

The streets know her name now. “In the last year, I’ve been homeless. I drank hand sanitizer. I left the program to go live with wild addicts. My depression gets so bad, I just drink more—knowing full well it only makes it worse. But I don’t stop.”

And that’s the thing—Kim ain’t trying to make excuses. She’s just laying it bare. This is what real addiction looks like. Not just a bad habit. It’s life crumbling piece by piece, while you stand there watching, with a bottle in one hand and a blunt in the other, telling yourself lies you wish were true.

Kim knows she’s in the fight of her life. And this time, she’s hoping the truth will help her claw her way out.

In both my personal life and my work as a psychotherapist, I’ve noticed a recurring theme: unhappy people are often alienated from their potential.

This alienation isn’t always dramatic. It can be as simple as the inability to create a plan and see it through, or the struggle to self-govern consistently. In essence, what’s often missing in the lives of unhappy people is freedom, not just freedom from external obstacles, but the deeper, more empowering freedom to.

Many people pursue happiness by trying to liberate themselves from what they believe is holding them back. However, they overlook the other half of freedom: the freedom to choose differently, to change one's perspective, and to create meaning. Without this capacity, freedom remains partial and superficial.

Here’s the problem: our freedom is directly limited by our consciousness of what’s possible. If you have 100 options but can only see two, you’re not truly free—you’re confined by your awareness. So when we say “happiness is freedom,” we have to go deeper. It’s not just freedom from pain, rules, or routine—it’s also the freedom to think clearly, choose wisely, and live meaningfully.

When things happen in life, we assign meaning. That’s our power—and our responsibility. We are all meaning-makers. The more skillfully we create and apply constructive meanings to the events in our lives, the greater our capacity for happiness.

So what does it mean to live well?

It means more than just surviving or getting by. It means solving problems creatively. It means creating art, telling stories, and engaging with profound, timeless ideas like honesty, open-mindedness, and a willingness to learn. It means cultivating stable relationships with ourselves and with others. It means expanding our freedom to act, think, and love with intention.

The unhappy are not broken. They are, more often, disconnected from their inner potential, from their power to choose, and from their ability to create meaning. Help them reconnect, and happiness follows.

The Power of Words: How to Complain Without Accusing

I need to say this one more time: stop complaining by accusing. There’s a world of difference between saying, “You are abandoning your grandson,” and saying, “We miss you,” or “We haven’t seen you in a while — when are you planning to come by?”

When complaints land like accusations, conflict is almost inevitable. The accused person naturally becomes defensive — it’s a reflex. Then, we respond to their defensiveness, and suddenly, the conversation spirals out of control. What may have started as a desire for connection or resolution turns into tension and distance.

It’s surprisingly easy to communicate in unhelpful ways without realizing it. That’s why it’s so important to pause and think before voicing a complaint. Ask yourself three key questions:

1. What’s the problem?

2. How does the problem make me feel?

3. What do I need?

When you focus on these essentials, you’re far less likely to fall into the trap of criticizing someone’s behavior in a way that triggers defensiveness. People don’t change when they feel attacked — they dig in deeper.

By mixing complaint with accusation, you might be creating the very problem you’re trying to solve. So the next time you feel the urge to complain, choose your words carefully. Your relationships will thank you.

When Wanting Becomes a Cage: Understanding Self-Will

There’s a common misconception that freedom means doing whatever we want. But beneath that idea lies a hidden trap, a force that often masquerades as empowerment, yet quietly keeps us stuck. That force is self-will.

At first glance, self-will appears to be a form of strength. It’s the voice inside that says, “I know what I want, and I’m going after it.” It feels decisive, driven, and bold. But look closer, and you’ll see something more complicated: a pattern of action that prioritizes desire over discernment, impulse over insight, and stubbornness over wisdom.

Self-will is not the same as free will. Free will is our gift, the ability to choose, to reflect, to respond rather than react. We can think critically to examine what is right and what leads to growth. Self-will, by contrast, is the tendency to follow our desires without questioning them further. It resists being questioned. It resents guidance. It insists on its way, not because it has thought things through, but because it can’t bear the feeling of being denied.

This kind of inner force may accomplish things, but at a cost. It strains relationships. It blocks growth. It confuses motion with meaning. A person driven by self-will may feel powerful in the moment, but they are often running from fear, discomfort, or vulnerability. And because self-will avoids reflection, it repeats the same patterns over and over, stuck in a loop, calling it freedom.

In truth, freedom is not the ability to do whatever we want. It’s the ability to do what is right, even when we don’t want to. It’s the discipline to pause, to listen, to ask: Is this good for me? Is this aligned with my values? Who else does this affect?

When we let go of self-will, we don’t become weak; we become free. We stop being pulled around by every craving or fear. We begin to live with clarity, compassion, and a sense of purpose.

So the next time you find yourself pushing hard to get your way, ask yourself: Is this true freedom? Or is it just self-will in disguise? The difference matters. One leads to more profound peace. The other, no matter how loud or proud, often leads us in circles.

Ask ChatGPT

Being Brave Makes You Free: How Courage Helps You Live Your Best Life

We all have fears. Some fears are significant, such as being afraid of the dark or heights, while others are more minor, like being nervous about talking to new people. But did you know that having the courage to face those fears can help you live a better life?

What Is True Freedom?

True freedom isn’t about doing whatever we want all the time. It’s about feeling free inside. When we face our fears, even the small ones, we begin to feel more in control of our lives.

Bravery Isn’t the Same as Not Being Afraid

Being brave doesn’t mean you’re not afraid. It means you do something even though you’re scared. Think of it like this: You might be afraid to ride a bike without training wheels, but if you try anyway, you’re being brave!

Bravery Gives You Control

When we face our fears and do the things we’re afraid of, we start to feel more powerful. We realize that we can choose what we do, and that helps us feel more confident. Instead of letting fear control us, we take control of our actions.

Facing Fears Helps You Grow

Every time you take a brave step, you learn something new about yourself. Maybe you learn that you’re stronger than you thought, or that you can do hard things. The more you practice bravery, the more you grow and get better at handling challenges.

Fear Can Hold You Back

If you let fear stop you from doing things, it will keep you from living your best life. But if you face your fears, you'll find that you can do so much more than you thought.

Bravery Builds Confidence

When you are brave, you start to believe in yourself more. You realize that you can handle tough situations, and that gives you the courage to try even more new things.

You Have More Power Than You Think

You might feel small or like you don’t have much power, but when you act bravely, you are using your power to make things happen. You can choose how you want to live your life.

Being Brave Makes Life More Fun and Meaningful

Living a life full of bravery and facing your fears can make your life more exciting and fulfilling. You get to try new things, make significant changes, and discover what brings you happiness.

By being brave and facing our fears, we open the door to more freedom, control, and happiness.

The Hidden Gifts of Adversity and the Silent Dangers of Pleasure

Introduction

We often move through life with assumptions about what is good for us and what is not. We seek comfort, success, and ease, believing they will nourish us. We shun hardship, seeing it as an obstacle to happiness. Yet what if these instincts are misguided? What if adversity carries hidden gifts, and pleasure conceals silent dangers?

I came across a line that captures this paradox with haunting clarity:

“In adversity, everything that surrounds you is a kind of medicine that helps you refine your conduct, yet you are unaware of it. In pleasant situations, you are faced with weapons that will tear you apart, yet you do not realize it.”

Let’s explore what this means—and how rethinking our relationship to adversity and pleasure can change the way we live.

Adversity as unseen medicine

We often view adversity as an enemy—something to avoid, resent, or overcome as quickly as possible. Yet adversity may be the truest medicine for the soul. Every challenge, discomfort, and disappointment works like a bitter tonic, refining our character and sharpening our integrity.

The irony is that we rarely recognize this in the moment. Like a patient who rejects a necessary remedy because it tastes foul, we often resist the very conditions that could heal us. Hardship shapes us, tests our patience, deepens our humility, and teaches resilience—but caught in our suffering, we fail to see its hidden purpose.

Pleasure as a hidden weapon

Conversely, we tend to greet pleasure as a friend. Comfort and ease feel like rewards—signs that all is well. But pleasure can conceal dangers sharper than any hardship: complacency, attachment, arrogance, or the slow erosion of discipline.

Pleasure disarms us not by attacking, but by lulling us into forgetfulness. We lose sight of what truly matters. What feels like a gift may, in truth, be quietly weakening us.

A call for awareness

Both parts of the passage highlight a common blindness: we often misjudge what harms us and what helps us. Adversity, which we resist, contains the seeds of growth. Pleasure, which we welcome, may carry the tools of our undoing.

The challenge is to cultivate awareness—to look beyond appearances, to recognize the hidden medicine in our trials, and the subtle threats in our comforts. This is the work of philosophy: not to escape life’s conditions, but to see them clearly and use them wisely.

“I thought I could keep it small.

Once or twice a week, just enough to take the edge off.

But it didn’t stay small. It never does.”

That’s how Crystal begins.

No lies. No sugarcoating. Just facts.

From Control to Collapse

It started slow.

A bump here. A pill there. A hit when the stress was too much.

One or two times a week — that was the plan.

But plans don’t mean much when addiction gets its hooks in you.

What started as “just a little” turned into daily use.

Every. Single. Day.

Wake up, use. Crash, recover. Repeat.

A Life Devoured by the High

Crystal’s whole world shrank down to this:

Getting high and trying to come down.

The cravings weren’t once in a while.

They were every morning, every night, every minute in between.

That itch that never leaves, that voice that never shuts up.

And everything else?

Gone.

Her job is gone.

Family — pushed out.

Friends — disappeared or left behind.

Addiction took it all.

She stopped attending family functions.

Stopped being part of anything that wasn’t about the next hit.

Her “social life” became nothing but getting high.

Abuse, Survival, and the Cost

Crystal’s relationships?

Toxic.

Abusive.

Dead ends dressed up as love.

She sold herself for drugs.

Did what she had to do to feed the habit.

And it cost her, in ways that don’t heal easily.

She carries the marks of it.

She’s living with injuries from hands that should’ve never touched her.

The Truth She Knows Too Well

Crystal doesn’t fake it.

She knows where all this pain comes from.

“My problems? They’re from the addiction,” she says.

“And I can’t stop.”

Her tolerance is through the roof.

What used to get her high barely has the same effect anymore.

She needs more, and it still doesn’t feel like enough.

And when she tries to quit?

Her body turns on her.

Withdrawal puts her in the hospital.

Her body is begging for what’s killing it.

Still Here

This isn’t some redemption story.

Crystal’s not writing from the other side.

She’s still in it.

Still fighting.

Still breathing.

That counts for something.

Because in a world that chews up and spits out people like Crystal,

being alive is the first act of defiance.

If you see yourself in this story, know this: there’s help. There’s hope. And you’re not alone.

“I was taking in larger amounts.”

That’s how Walter starts.

No excuses. No sugarcoat.

Just the truth that hits like a brick through a window.

It started small—just something to stay focused, stay sharp.

But that line between control and craving?

He crossed it. And never found his way back.

Slipping Fast

At first, it was a few hits to stay awake.

Then it became mornings. Nights. Everything in between.

Now he’s using more than ever—more than intended, more than he can handle.

“I’ve cut down before,” he says, “but I can’t stop.”

He’s tried—more than once. But trying ain’t enough when you’re fighting a monster that lives in your bloodstream.

High All Day, Every Day

Walter’s day is built around the high.

“I’d go to places where they would get me high,” he says.

That’s the whole schedule. That’s the whole map.

He knows where the spots are. He knows who’s holding.

And once he’s in that environment?

The cravings hit hard.

“I feel it just being around it,” he says. “I can’t resist it.”

No Job. No Sleep. No Way Out.

He’s lost jobs. Lost chances. Can’t even look for work anymore.

“I’m not able to keep a job or look for one,” Walter says flatly.

And sleep?

He hasn’t had real sleep in days.

The meth keeps him wired and worn down at the same time.

“I’ve been losing a lot of sleep,” he mutters.

But that’s nothing new. That’s just normal now.

Alone in a Crowd

Relationships? Gone.

Family? Avoiding him.

“I’m not allowed to be around people because I’m always high.”

It’s not hate. It’s protection.

Even they know how dangerous things have gotten.

Are the people still around?

Toxic. Messy. Deep in the same trap.

No one’s lifting anybody. Just pulling each other deeper in.

Who He Used to Be

Walter used to do things.

He had hobbies.

He used to play games, be outside, laugh, and connect.

Now he barely remembers that version of himself.

“It’s preventing me from doing the things I need to get done,” he says.

And it’s more than errands. It’s life. It’s connection. Its meaning.

Danger is Daily

Walter doesn’t just use.

He moves through danger to do it.

Illegal activity. Dirty deals. Environments where anything could pop off.

“It puts me in hazardous situations,” he says.

He knows the risk, but when the cravings hit, risk doesn’t matter.

More and More for Less and Less

The most brutal part?

He’s not even getting the same high anymore.

It takes more to feel less.

“I’m doing more,” he admits.

More meth. More risk. More loss.

And less of everything else.

Still Standing

Walter’s not telling this story because he’s proud.

He’s telling it because he’s still here.

Still breathing. Still hoping—quietly—that maybe tomorrow can look different.

He doesn’t need pity. Doesn’t want praise.

He needs space to speak the truth. Because out here?

Telling the truth might be the first real act of healing.

If you’re caught in a cycle like Walter’s, know this: you’re not alone. You’re not hopeless. There’s help, even if it’s just one conversation at a time.

“I can’t control it. It runs my whole day.”

That’s how Bartlow starts.

He’s not trying to shock anybody. He’s not playing for sympathy.
He’s just calling it what it is: a full-time addiction with no days off.

Five Tries, No Finish Line

Bartlow didn’t fall into this overnight.
He’s tried to quit five different times in the past year.

Each time he swore, “This is it. I’m done.”
And each time, the dope pulled him right back in.

That’s what people don’t get—
Quitting ain’t the hard part. Staying quit is.

Life on Pause

Everything in Bartlow’s life revolves around the substance now.

He wakes up thinking about it.
Spends the day looking for it.
Goes to sleep, if he sleeps, trying to outrun it.

He lost his job.
Can’t hold down responsibilities at home.
And the guilt from all that?
He used to numb that too.

Everything Slipping Away

He’s still married—on paper.
But the connection? Gone.
Trust? Gone.
Love? Barely holding on.

His friends?
Gone too.
“I’m not allowed to be around people anymore,” he says. “Not like this.”

And honestly, Bartlow gets it.
He wouldn’t want to be around himself either.

What the Streets Don’t Show

You wouldn’t know all this just looking at him.
He blends in—until he doesn't.

He moves through dangerous places like it’s nothing.
Dealers, scams, dirty corners with loaded silence.
That’s just Tuesday.

He knows he’s in harm’s way.
But when the craving kicks in, safety ain't on the checklist.

The Loop Inside the Loop

This is what makes it all so twisted:

He uses it because he feels broken.
Then the use makes him feel more broken.
So he uses it again.

It’s a trap with no exit sign.

The Pain of Withdrawal

People think withdrawals are just shakes and sweats.
But for Bartlow?
It’s deeper than that.
His whole body goes to war when he doesn’t use it.

So he drinks the poison to stop the pain.
Even when he knows it’s killing him.

Still Here

Bartlow ain’t sharing this story because he’s proud.
He’s sharing it because it’s real.

And real matters, especially for folks walking the same path in silence.

He’s still breathing.
Still trying.
Still got one more shot in him.

And sometimes?
That’s all it takes.

If you or someone you love is struggling with addiction, reach out. There’s help, and there’s hope—even when it feels like there’s nothing left.

“I was just gonna hit one joint…”

That’s how Clayton tells it. He wasn’t trying to fall off. I wasn’t looking to lose everything. He just wanted to take the edge off.

But one turned into three. Then five. What started as a half ounce a week became a full ounce to function. The smoke didn’t just fill his lungs; it began to fill the space where his life used to be.

From Fridays to Every Day

Clayton had rules. He told himself he’d only drink on Fridays — end the week with a cold one, relax a little.

That was the plan. Now it’s every day, from the moment his eyes open to the minute they close. No job. No structure. Just bottles, blunts, and the loop that won’t stop spinning.

“I try to stop when things get too heavy,” he says. “But I can’t do it solo.”

Cravings, Chaos, and Consequences

Clayton’s not clueless. He knows what this is costing him.

He craves weed hard when life hits him—stress, emotions, regret, pressure—all of it triggers the urge. And instead of facing it, he drowns it. In smoke. In liquor. In the streets.

He’s not just getting high. He’s avoiding life.

The Father He Wants to Be

Clayton has a 4-month-old baby. A little one waiting to be held, guided, and loved. But the truth? He’s not showing up. Not yet.

“I know I ain’t doing what I’m supposed to as a father,” he admits. That sentence carries more pain than any fight ever could.

He used to love going to the park, spending time with family, and getting online with his friends to play Xbox. Now, all of that feels far away—buried under smoke and silence.

The Streets Don’t Offer Peace

Most days, Clayton is out in the streets. Looking for weed and hitting dispensaries and finding whoever’s holding. That routine has him in danger constantly, surrounded by crime, by chaos, by people who don’t care if he makes it to tomorrow.

He admits to driving while high. His life and others ' hang in the balance. But when the cravings hit, survival logic disappears.

Toxic Ties, Numbed-Out Love

Relationships? They’re a mess. Clayton knows it, but the weed and alcohol keep him numb. “I can’t deal with the drama when I’m high,” he says. “And I’m always high.”

So nothing gets better. It just simmers in the background, waiting to boil over.

Still High, Still Here

Clayton isn’t writing a comeback story. He’s not preaching recovery. He’s just being real.

This is what it looks like when addiction wraps itself around someone’s life and squeezes.

And still—He’s here. Breathing. Talking and admitting the truth.

That alone? It might be the first step toward change.

If you or someone you know is struggling with substance use, know this: you are not alone. Help is out there. And the first move? Is speaking the truth.

Free Fall

Free fall is when life shows up like a game of Tetris. The blocks initially fall slowly, then speed up and eventually crash on your head. But for people caught in the grip of active addiction, it’s not a game, and the reset button is much harder to hit. The reset button often gets hit for them as they plummet toward rock bottom.

A guy I know is going through it right now. He got away with getting high for a long time. It started fun, but over time, the disease began pruning his life back to nothing but him and his substance. If addiction could talk, it might say: “Family? Man, fuck your family. Job? Man, fuck that job. Housing? Man, fuck shelter.” Addiction is a jealous lover.

I’m all for “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” If you want to drink, knock your Goddamned self out. I’ve got nothing to say except: enjoy yourself. Live your life.

People always ask: How do you know when you’ve hit your bottom? It’s hard to explain. The bottom is different for everyone. All I can say is that it’s distinct—you’ll know it when you hit it. No one will need to tell you; you’ll be telling them.

It’s a myth that you need to hit rock bottom to stop using drugs. It is a myth, like believing the world is flat or that we live in a true democracy. You don’t need to experience a catastrophe to quit. All you need is the willingness to change and someone to help you.

Free fall is interesting because, out of fear, the person in free fall often tries to comfort themselves by using the very substance that triggered the fall in the first place, creating a vicious cycle.

The world came into existence after the Big Bang. All is not lost—it just feels that way.

The Hero Complex

While scrolling the internet, I came across something my friend Jimmy shared, and it struck me as a great writing prompt:

"Here I come to save the goddamned day."

That phrase explains why I became a psychotherapist. My journey from trying to fix myself naturally evolved into trying to save others. On one hand, I’m deeply motivated to help people. On the other hand, that same drive can unintentionally cause harm if not tempered with awareness.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with wanting to be of service to others. However, my efforts can backfire without a deeper understanding of my motivations and even create harm.

The notion that “if you can be helpful, you should be helpful” seems noble, but it’s not always that simple. The benefit quickly diminishes when I start doling advice like a Pez dispenser. Advice is often interpreted as criticism, and people rarely change when they feel criticized. Advice also implies the receiver lacks personal insight or experience with the problem. Yet, success is highly individual—there’s no universal recipe for solving the complex issues people face. Unlike baking a cake, where forgetting the egg might ruin the outcome, most problems are multifaceted. No single solution will fix them. Furthermore, advice often fails to account for the other person’s skill set, resources, or readiness to act.

In psychotherapy, countertransference—our thoughts and feelings about the client—adds another layer of complexity. Despite formal training, I still struggle with staying genuinely helpful without overstepping. It’s incredibly tempting when a client presents a problem in a way that seems to beg for a “fix.” With the best of intentions, I can still make things worse.

Here’s an example: When a client speaks, am I truly listening or just waiting for my turn to talk because I think I know the solution? Has my desire to solve their problem interfered with my ability to listen, validate, and offer empathy? That trilogy—listening, validation, and empathy—indeed facilitates change. Advice? Not so much. Am I secretly resenting the client for not following my advice? Am I dominating the session with my voice, inadvertently fostering their dependence on me and my “vast knowledge”? When clients share their distress, am I trying to cheer them up instead of sitting with their emotions? To the client, that might feel like I’m dismissing their experience.

There are countless ways to render therapy ineffective, and an unconscious hero complex is just one of them. While this post focuses on how that dynamic plays out in treatment, the same principles apply to relationships. Most of the time, my wife doesn’t want me to “fix” her problems. She wants me to listen, validate, and empathize.

While I may always carry some traces of a hero complex, awareness, and practice can help minimize its negative effects. Trying to save others is a profoundly human impulse, but it’s also a reminder that sometimes, the best way to help is simply to be present.

The Monogamy Agreement.

“What’s that?” he asked, leaning back, a skeptical brow raised.

“That’s when you and the person you’re sleeping with make an agreement about sex—like what’s okay with them, and whether it’s okay to sleep with other people,” I said, shrugging like it was obvious.

“But we’re not in a relationship,” he shot back. “We’re just hooking up.”

“Yeah, I know, but you still need one.”

“Why?”

“Well, first off, anyone you’re having sex with is technically a relationship of some kind. Second, a monogamy agreement can help you figure out what you want—and get it.”

He snorted. “All I want is to have sex now and then. No strings, no drama.”

“I get that, but here’s the thing—there are always strings. Even if you can’t see them. Even if you don’t think there’s risk, there is.”

He ran a hand over his face. “Man, I don’t wanna talk myself outta some pussy. All this talking—it can mess things up. I just wanna fuck, not get married.”

“Does she know that?” I asked, giving him a pointed look. “That’s all I’m sayin’. If you let her know what you want, it might actually help you get it. Hell, she might want the same thing. If she doesn’t, at least you’ll both know what’s up.”

“Or she could stop fuckin’ me altogether,” he muttered.

“True,” I said, nodding. “But you’re probably gonna stop fucking her anyway, once you start fighting over the terms of your ‘non-relationship’—because you’re not talking about it. You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.”

“That seems like a lotta work for someone I’m not even in a relationship with,” he grumbled.

“There’s a lotta dudes out there paying child support for kids they made while they were ‘not in a relationship.”

He let out a bitter laugh. “Talkin’ too much makes my dick soft.”

“Not as soft as child support court will make it. It will be like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank, but honestly, having a kid is probably the least of your problems. I’m assuming you’re using protection.”

A long silence stretched between us. He shifted uncomfortably.

“Your bigger issue, is getting on the same page with whoever you’re sleeping with. Like, do you even know if she’s sleeping with anyone else?”

“Nah,” he said quickly, almost defensively. “She’s not.”

“How do you know?” I asked, my voice calm but sharp.

“I just know,” he snapped.

(And in my head, I thought: Motherfucker, you don’t even know you’re in a relationship with her, let alone who else she might be fucking.)

“But how do you know?” I pressed. “Are you seeing anyone else?”

He grinned, that cocky, smug smile that said everything. “Well, you know…”

“Look,” I said, cutting him off. “A monogamy agreement isn’t gonna solve all your problems, but it’ll at least make things clear. You’ll know what you want. She’ll know what’s up. And you can both decide if you’re in or out. That’s it.”

Exploring the Father-Son Relationship

A central issue some men face is a strained or poor relationship with their fathers. Our earliest relationships are the foundation for understanding ourselves, forming connections, and navigating the world. Questions like Who am I? What is a relationship? What can I expect from the world? Are first answered in childhood, often through our interactions with our parents. These early experiences shape how we relate to others as adults. Parental neglect, abuse, or even incompetence can leave lasting marks on how we approach relationships and life itself.

The intention here is not to blame fathers but to encourage personal accountability. Blaming others is easy; taking responsibility for where you are now as a man is much more complicated. If you’re reading this, it means you’ve survived your childhood—and that survival gives you the power to make changes. One step toward personal growth is to explore and reflect on your relationship with your father.

Revisiting the Father-Son Bond

As children, we may idealize our parents to feel safe, avoiding confrontation or protest to escape their anger or disapproval. But as adults, we have the opportunity—and perhaps the responsibility—to reassess these early relationships with a fresh perspective. Start by asking yourself some honest, reflective questions about your father:

• One of my earliest memories of my father is

• When I was a child, my father made me feel

• The way my father showed love when I was growing up was

• Something my father did that shaped who I am today is

• One thing I wish I understood better about my father is

• When I think about my father, I often feel

• A conversation with my father that stands out to me is

• One thing I want my father to do differently is

• I’ve learned to forgive my father for

• A way I can strengthen my relationship with my father is

• The Impact of Fatherly Relationships

You can learn much about a man by understanding his relationship with his father. Many men face sadness when reflecting on this bond, revealing emotions they rarely show. For instance, one man shared how his father’s absence during his childhood shaped him. He recounted how his stepbrother’s father would visit, sparking feelings of abandonment. “I would see him come to pick up my brother, and it made me long for my father. I would wonder, What did I do? Sometimes, he would take me along and even buy me things, but none of it erased my sense of being abandoned by my father.”

Such experiences can profoundly affect a man’s behavior and emotional well-being. Often, men are unaware that much of their present behavior is compensatory—anger masking more profound feelings of hurt, sadness, and even depression tied to their relationships with their fathers.

Moving Forward

Reflecting on your relationship with your father can be painful but also liberating. It allows you to recognize patterns, process unresolved feelings, and, if possible, build a stronger connection with your father. It will also help you become a better parent yourself. And even if reconciliation isn’t possible, this process can help you find healing and peace within yourself. Remember, understanding your past is a decisive step toward shaping a better future.

Understanding Reality Evasion: A Journey from Childhood to Adulthood

A reality evader defends against reality by avoiding, pretending, fantasizing, and lying in a childlike manner. This term captures the essence of their behavior in a non-judgmental, descriptive way. It highlights the defensive nature of their actions while acknowledging the underlying struggle to engage with reality directly.

To understand this behavior, let’s revisit its roots: childhood. Children who experience adverse childhood experiences often cope with vulnerability, dependence, and fear by employing mechanisms such as avoidance, pretending, fantasizing, and lying. These defenses help them navigate a reality they neither understand nor control. After all, what does a child know about the complexities of the world or how to process trauma? It’s safe to say that children have limited agency, skills, and information to deal with such situations.

Childhood determines the "rules" for how the world works. Experiences shape personality, and the skills used to survive adverse situations often become ingrained. Stress doesn’t simply come and go—it changes us. These changes are adaptive in a challenging environment, enabling survival. However, when the environment changes, those survival skills can become liabilities.

In adulthood, people often go to great lengths to avoid reality. This tendency can form the foundation of addictive behaviors or, as Dr. Philip J. Flores describes in his book Addiction as an Attachment Disorder, a “repair attempt that fails.”

The Need for a "Software Upgrade" in Adulthood

Welcome to adulthood—where childhood coping mechanisms often require a "software upgrade." It may be time to reevaluate your operating system if you navigate adult life and relationships using the same rules you learned as a child. While avoidance, pretending, fantasizing, and lying may have served a purpose, their effectiveness in adult relationships deserves scrutiny.

Avoidance and deception can sometimes be necessary, but their overuse can hinder personal growth and connection. Below are prompts to help you explore how childhood coping skills may influence adult interactions. These exercises encourage deeper self-awareness and emotional development.

Prompts for Self-Exploration

Exploring Avoidance

"When faced with something uncomfortable, I tend to avoid it by ________."

"The situations I most try to avoid are ________ because ________."

"A recent example of avoiding reality in my life was when ________."

Exploring Pretending

"Sometimes, I pretend everything is fine by ________."

"I feel the need to act like ________ when deep down, I know ________."

"Pretending helps me avoid feeling ________, but it also costs me ________."

Exploring Fantasizing

"When reality feels too hard to face, I escape into fantasies about ________."

"The ideal world I imagine looks like ________, and it helps me avoid ________."

"I use my imagination to create scenarios where ________, but in reality, ________."

Exploring Lying

"I find myself lying about ________ because I’m afraid of ________."

"The lies I tell myself are often about ________, which helps me ignore ________."

"Lying feels like a way to control ________, even though it ultimately makes me feel ________."

General Reflection

"The pattern I notice in how I evade reality is ________."

"I’ve learned to use these defenses because ________, but now they’re keeping me from ________."

"Facing reality feels hard because ________, but if I could, I believe I’d gain ________."

In Summary

Many behavioral challenges can be traced back to childhood experiences. Understanding and compassionately examining those early experiences can connect the dots between what happened then and now. This awareness can empower us to let go of outdated defenses and embrace a more grounded, authentic way of living.

What If It’s You?

Relationships are challenging for everyone. After the shine of a new relationship wears off, it’s very easy to feel discontent. When things go well, we take credit. When things go bad, we place blame. But what if it’s you? What if you are the reason your situation is miserable? What if you cannot recognize your role in the relationship you are co-creating with your partner?

The Pros of Asking, "What If It’s Me?"

1. Personal Growth and Awareness

Taking responsibility for your actions and attitudes fosters self-awareness and helps you identify areas for personal growth. This self-reflection can improve not only your relationship but also your overall well-being. Understanding your triggers, patterns, and emotional responses makes you better equipped to handle challenges constructively.

2. Empowerment to Change

Recognizing your role in relationship challenges gives you the power to make positive changes. Focusing on what “you” can control reduces feelings of helplessness. It’s liberating to realize that you can shift your behaviors or mindset to help repair or strengthen the bond with your partner.

3. Healthier Communication

You may approach conflicts with more empathy and understanding by reflecting on your behavior. This reflection can lead to healthier, more productive conversations. Acknowledging your role often encourages your partner to do the same, creating a foundation for mutual respect and collaboration.

The Cons of Ignoring Personal Growth, Empowerment, and Healthy Communication

1. Stagnation in Relationships

Without personal growth, individuals may become stuck in repeating negative patterns, leading to frustration and dissatisfaction in their intimate relationships. This stagnation can create a sense of being “stuck” without resolution, making connecting and thriving as a couple harder.

2. Loss of Agency

Ignoring the possibility of personal empowerment can make you feel like a passive victim of circumstances. This lack of control may foster resentment or a sense of helplessness, further eroding the relationship. Over time, this dynamic can lead to emotional disengagement.

3. Escalation of Conflict

Avoiding healthier communication means unresolved issues may fester, leading to miscommunication, frequent arguments, or emotional disconnection. This avoidance often deepens relational rifts, making it harder to rebuild trust or intimacy.

The Challenges of Self-Reflection

While asking, “What if it’s me?” is a powerful tool for growth, it also comes with potential pitfalls.

Potential for Overthinking: Self-reflection, when taken to the extreme, can lead to excessive rumination or self-blame. This may harm your confidence and emotional well-being, leaving you feeling inadequate or overly responsible for relational issues.

Neglecting Mutual Responsibility: Focusing too much on your actions may overshadow relationships as a two-way dynamic. Your partner’s behavior and choices also play a role, and neglecting this reality can lead to an imbalance in the relationship.

Risk of Emotional Burnout: Constantly questioning yourself without balancing self-compassion can lead to emotional fatigue, making it harder to engage meaningfully in the relationship. Reflection should be balanced with self-kindness and boundaries.

Final Thoughts

When you ask, “What if it’s me?” you open the door to greater self-awareness, empowerment, and healthier communication. However, it’s equally important to approach this reflection with balance. Relationships thrive on mutual responsibility, so while owning your part is essential, don’t lose sight of the shared dynamic between you and your partner. Personal growth is a journey, and recognizing your role in your relationship can be one of the most rewarding steps you take—not only for your relationship but for yourself.

Intimacy and the Power of Conflict

When we talk about intimacy, we often frame it in romantic terms, focusing on closeness with a partner. But this perspective overlooks one of the most intriguing aspects of relationships: conflict. Intimacy isn’t limited to romantic moments; it also reveals itself during disagreements.

You can learn more about how someone truly feels about you in a heated argument than you might over months or years of quiet togetherness. Conflict can uncover hidden truths—beliefs, feelings, and perceptions that might never surface except in heightened emotions.

Conflict as a Window Into Values

We see conflict everywhere—at home, school, workplace, and relationships. It is an integral part of the human condition.

Conflict lays bare values, needs, and perspectives like nothing else. Consider this: when your heart beats calmly at 60 beats per minute, you are one version of yourself. But when it accelerates to 100 beats per minute during conflict, you become someone entirely different. Granted, about 80% of what we say under stress may be exaggerated or unfiltered, but the other 20% often cuts straight to the truth.

The challenge is that as conflict escalates, both people can get pushed beyond their emotional limits, becoming too defensive to hear or process what the other is honestly saying. This communication breakdown often leads to misunderstanding and missed opportunities for connection.

Conflict as a Tool for Closeness

Conflict, when approached with intention, can deepen intimacy. Instead of avoiding arguments, use them to understand your partner better. The next time you disagree, take a few deep breaths and reflect on what your partner is saying. Shift your mindset from defensiveness to curiosity.

Listening shows that you see and hear them and take their concerns seriously. This validation can help your partner calm down, creating space for meaningful connection. Like finding money on the ground, their expressed needs are a gift—you no longer have to guess what they want, allowing you to meet those needs more effectively.

Embracing Conflict

Here’s the truth: avoiding conflict kills relationships. Disagreements are not inherently violent or destructive; they are growth opportunities. When you approach conflict with curiosity and openness, it becomes a powerful tool for building closeness and understanding.

• Don’t fear conflict—embrace it. Use it to deepen your connection and strengthen your relationship.

• Main Takeaways:

• Conflict is a natural and essential part of all relationships.

• Avoidance doesn’t prevent problems; it creates distance.

• Conflict is a form of intimacy.

• Disagreements can build closeness when approached mindfully.

• Destroying conflict destroys the relationship.

• Conflict does not equal violence.

• Choose curiosity over defensiveness for healthier outcomes.

Fight Better

I recently read an article entitled, “How to Save a Relationship that’s Struggling (and When it’s Best to Let it Go)” by Jessica Estrada. Estrada offered numerous suggestions. The one I want to focus on here is fight better. Because in my clinical experience, working with couples interested in improving or saving their relationships, I stress learning to fight better.

Relationships can be challenging—even good ones. The emotional turmoil evoked by a failing relationship can make it difficult to determine if it can be saved or not. You may not have a very good understanding of how your behavior changes during a conflict or how you contribute to the conflict escalating. When things go well we take credit. When things go bad we place blame. You can't improve or save a relationship without improving your self-awareness. It's essential. Anything else is like trying to bake a cake without cracking an egg.

Even if you successfully avoid conflict, it can be the death knell for the relationship as resentments accumulate creating frustration, and distance between you and your partner. As you tiptoe around your partner in a vain attempt to protect them from your thoughts and feelings, self-betrayal rationalized as keeping the peace, more accurately amounts to holding your breath. Sooner or later, you have to breathe. Avoidance is useful sometimes, but rarely useful all of the time.

Emotional intimacy occurs under two conditions in a relationship. When you feel romantically bound to your partner and when you are in conflict with them. During romance, you whisper sweet nothings and express your deepest loving feelings to them. During conflict, on the other hand, you express other important thoughts and feelings about your partner and the relationship—things you might never say otherwise. In both instances, you communicate important information about how you view the relationship.

Learning to fight better actually means learning to communicate and control your own behavior better. Both of which are skills you can practice and improve. The trick to fighting better is to express yourself in a way that does not blame, hurt, or antagonize your partner. You want to help them hear and understand you rather than cower and withdraw from your wrath. If you find yourself fighting constantly over the same thing it might be because your conflicts are destructive rather than constructive. The object is to unlearn how to win—in the sense of using destructive power and tactics over them. Learning is winning. Solving problems and maintaining the connection is winning. Engaging in constructive conflict is the key.

Investing time to learn about your own conflict style and how conflicts work could help you acquire the skills necessary to fight better. Improving your tactics could increase intimacy, learning, and security between you and your partner. With those strengths, you could be well on your way to revitalizing the relationship.

There’s a way to improve your skill set. Me and my colleague, psychologist Dr. Lorie Hill have designed a digital course entitled Constructive Conflict to help you learn how to fight better. You can improve. Hit the link above and take a look at what we have created for you.

Conversation on Race, Racism and Mental Health

Click on my picture.

System Failure