Right Now

It’s so easy to slip out of the present moment. Without noticing one can drift off to numerous places in the past or the future without even realizing your attention has ventured somewhere else. Daydreaming, worrying, ruminating, fantasizing, lusting, judging--any one of those hooks can pull us away from right now.

What is it about the present moment that makes it so difficult for us to stay there? I know you probably think I’m going to suggest mindfulness, but I’m not. I just want to explore why remaining in this moment is so challenging. Why am I constantly anticipating the next and the next and the next?

In this moment everything is as it is. Nothing is overwhelming or too stressful, but the minute I think about the future or the past, my mood changes. Why do we dwell in the past and wait with bated breath for the future? Why do I squander right now? So much suffering occurs from being unable to rest in this moment. The past is resolved now. The future begins now.

Caller ID identifies her. She's calling to tell me she can no longer tolerate her pain, for the one hundredth time. I listen. I validate. I empathize. I suggest. I struggle to remain in the right now. She wants to drag me into the past or push me into the future as she anticipates more pain on the horizon, as a result she has no right now. Perhaps it's a defense against the pain, but for her right now does not exist. It can't exist. When coping skills do not exist, right now can't exist. Coping skills enable us to reside in the moment.

Her effect on me is interesting. I want to remain situated with her in this moment while simultaneously wanting to flee without her into the next moment. It's uncomfortable to watch her struggle unable to make the lifestyle changes necessary to reduce her suffering. Primarily due to her being unable to utilize the current moment. Right now has suddenly become painful for both of us. We tug on the moment. She pushes. I pull.     

There is no escape for either one of us.  We are stuck in this moment no matter how skillful either one of us is at denying it. I let go by no longer trying to urge her to change. I feel better. I am suddenly able to appreciate her and her struggle. We both survive another moment. Right now.

 

The Opposite of Addiction

Any recovering addict worth asking will tell you they have not forgotten how to get high. They will probably also add that they never stopped enjoying the high, it's the consequences that they couldn't stand.

The experience of addiction is never forgotten. Not just the high but the whole behavioral practice leading up to the high. Ask any addict what it's like to cop. From the drug infested neighborhoods to the sound of a dispensing ATM machine, it's visceral.

Scientists have documented dopamine levels increase in anticipation of the reward. That endorphin increase connects the preceding activity to the hit. All of it, the coping and actual ingestion of the substance reinforce and connect you to the experience.

If the drugs don't get you the lifestyle will. That's why it's not enough to simply stop using drugs. One has to actively work on changing their attitude and behavior in order to stay stopped. The deer that wanders onto the road at night receives two competing signals, one to stop and one to go that freeze him in the headlights and bring it's life to an abrupt halt. Recovering people specifically those who use the 12-Steps figured that out a long time ago. Their approach, going to meetings regularly, doing step work, sponsorship, and service is designed to help one make the lifestyle changes necessary to avoid getting run over by the disease of addiction. There's always two parts to any behavior change one wants to make, cognitive and behavioral.

The opposite of addiction is not recovery it's connection. You never forget how to get high. Once you learn how to swim, you may not swim for years, but once back in water you will instantly remember. You could take any recovering person and drop them off in any city in the US and they could cop dope within two hours. As a recovering person myself I can tell you I know where to find street drugs. The only reason I'm not high right now is because I have some connections I don't want to lose. Whether it's my partner, my job, my kids, my grandson, or god children I don't want to give them up. Connections are the key.

Let’s Get It Started

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One way to stop a behavior is to start a new behavior.

I’ve been in recovery from drug addiction for 21 years. As I move forward through the various stages of my recovery, I am confronted by the constant need for change. During my early years, the focus was on my need to stop using drugs. Initially, there were certain things I couldn’t do. As I remained clean longer, there were certain things I didn’t do. And now, there are certain things I don’t do.  Every one of those stages requires a different strategy, and therein lies my challenge. In this current stage, it is much more productive to initiate behaviors that reinforce abstinence. As I continue to recover, I learn how to both restore healthy old behaviors and establish new ones that help to improve the quality of my life. Practicing new behaviors helps me stay stopped.

Recovery is about attraction and not promotion. When people with substantial "clean time" sit around in meetings and only talk about not using drugs, 12-Step recovery is not very attractive. While recovery is always about not picking up, it’s also about living--having jobs, dealing with family, and more. Fortunately, I have enough experience in recovery to go to different meetings and mix up my program with people who are also in long-term recovery, who are also using the program, in part, to pursue their life goals and aspirations. I also attend newcomer meetings because they offer a diversity of perspectives that I find helpful. 

How can we make recovery attractive if we only focus on what we can’t do? One of the things that makes recovery desirable is when people come to believe they can do more than just avoid drugs. Freedom from active addiction allows me to set my sights on a goal and go for it. That’s exciting because I never know what’s going to happen. There are ups and downs. Different situations occur, but somehow, staying in the process allows me to contend with everything that arises. It also increases my self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-respect.

In one sense, addiction is a breakdown of the will to choose. The addicted person has numerous choices, but they continue to make the same one. “Give me another hit.” By the time I got to recovery, my ability to make healthy choices was impaired. What changed was I didn’t just stop using drugs, I started going to meetings, making new friends, reading recovery literature, getting involved in service, saving money, changing my diet, exercising, going back to school, creating a business, writing a 'zine. Recovery helped me learn how to do all that.

At different times and for different reasons, we all face the existential dilemma of what am I going to do now with my life? How do I reinvent myself?  The literature refers to this as the spiritual void, the place where the addictive behavior used to reside. Many recovering addicts refer to it as a hole. At some point, we all have to face that hole and decide how it should be filled.

Once I stopped using drugs my imagination began to serve me in different ways. Over time I began to not just imagine what I wanted, but I gained the ability to pursue what I wanted by placing myself in an atmosphere of recovery, listening to the experience and suggestions of other recovering people. That’s when I slowly began to imagine myself living a different life. That experience taught me to face my own spiritual void. The point is: just stopping was not enough. Stopping without starting something new is just pausing. The rooms of recovery are full of people who have stopped using drugs who are miserable as hell because they failed to start practicing new behaviors. Here’s a word from the field of botany to describe what I’m talking about: marcescent. That’s when the leaf withers but continues to cling to the branch.

The disease of addiction can manifest itself in a variety of ways that don’t have anything to do with drugs. So I can put down the drugs and pick up a fork, credit card or dice. This needs to be explained to newcomers. They need guidance and support to find new ways to live. The step working process is one of the ways in which I continue to explore who I really am and what I want to do with my life. Step work helps me identify and reduce the unmanageability in my life. It also offers me the opportunity to make the changes I want to make. It has been a very valuable experience for me to learn how to use this process to change my attitude and behavior.

Abstinence is only the beginning of recovery. If you’re only abstinent, I’m betting you’re leaving some recovery on the table and there is a good chance that you are not as happy as you could be. Recovery offers so much more than that. Abstinence and self-realization are two different things.

My wish for anyone who wants to stop getting high is for them to not only abstain from drugs, but for them to also take the opportunity to pursue their true ambitions. According the Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous: “Lost dreams awaken, new possibilities appear.” My own experience is that I’m doing a lot of things now that I could never do before. I didn’t have the lifestyle that would support my decision to pursue those things.

Starting something new helps prevent you from returning to old, unproductive behaviors. When I identify my primary purpose and pursue it with my whole heart it helps me avoid the obsession and compulsion of my drug addiction. Some people misinterpret our program and our literature by taking on the view of non-striving; they think that turning it over means they don’t have to do anything, that the program will just take care of them, and that their higher power will make everything alright. Be careful. Just because I’m in recovery doesn't mean that I can take off to the spiritual suburbs. No big recovery truck is going to pull up and deliver my goals to me. If I want to change my life I have to do the footwork. I have to go for it. Recovery is the thing that helps me mobilize myself for the task. Understand that starting can help you stop.   

How do "start behaviors" relate to spirituality? I truly believe that a power greater than me, some force out there, is working to manifest something in the world. That power pulled me out of the throes of active addiction. I don’t know what it is, but something helped me. All I know is, I didn’t do it all by myself. I don’t even try to label it. I just call it a "higher power" because other people also have access to the power through their own beliefs.

I’ve been told, “You can only keep recovery by giving it away.” To be more compassionate and to be of service to others is spiritual in nature. That’s the higher power working through us to manifest a better world. Creating, improvising, re-purposing: I’ve heard it said, “Recovery is like a great recycling program.” It re-purposed me, redirected me, reprogrammed me to make the effort to be a better person. The recovery process requires that I follow an unfamiliar path, with my whole being, and with no guarantees. That requires faith. That’s spiritual.

 

 

Watch Your Mouth!

I found a copy of Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff by Richard Carlson. While thumbing through it, I came across this topic, Don’t Interrupt Others or Finish Their Sentences. Before reading it, I thought I would take a stab at providing my thoughts on the subject. I’m basically cutting him off to explain my point of view. The irony of that is not lost on me, but let’s move on.

If there’s any place to practice mindfulness, it’s during conversations with others. I like to think I am a good communicator and that I don’t need to be concerned, but let’s look closely. I cut people off more often than I want to admit. Conversations are a lot like driving a vehicle onto a freeway, you increase speed, find a hole in traffic, and steer your car into it. Unfortunately, sometimes, my behavior when I converse is not like that. I don’t find an available space, I just start talking, when I think of something I want to say. I talk over. I talk simultaneously. I burst right in there. Getting on the freeway is one thing. Having a conversation is another.

Bear in mind, I’m a psychotherapist. I talk and listen for a living. Somehow, that makes my behavior much more cringeworthy. Most of the time, I’m good at observing the rules of the road, in conversations, so when I make a "California stop" or a unsignaled lane change, people notice. I notice.

There is nothing more nasal-flaring, for me than someone cutting me off and finishing my sentences. Especially when they finish them with endings that don’t match what I was going to say. Not only did they cut me off, but they were not even tracking what I was talking about. I begin to check out.

I know some cultures and some families talk over each other, and that they don’t mean anything by it. It can be a sign that you are into the conversation and have something to say. That’s not what I’m talking about here. This is about not listening and just waiting for a chance to talk. What I’m talking about is the person who waits for you to start talking and uses it as a cue for them to begin talking, with no conversational awareness that they just cut you off. Having someone talk over you can tire you out.

When I’m at my best I share the conversation. I don’t feel rushed and enjoy exchanging ideas. I’m relaxed and leave room for my partner to enter and exit the conversation smoothly. I provide them with plenty of room to express themselves fully. To stay in that zone more often, I need to be more mindful of my anxiety and stress levels. When I feel harried I'm most inclined to fall into bad habits during conversations. Keeping my eyes on the road and paying attention to my feelings helps me avoid cutting others off and finishing their sentences. Now let me read what Richard Carlson has to say.

Are You Benefiting...

from all of your bitching, griping, moaning, and complaining? Wait, wait, wait… I know you think what you’re experiencing is a problem. But are you deriving any benefit from it that you can't see?

You complain about your relationship but, may I ask, do you think there might be some benefit you gain from being in that relationship? You say you’re not happy, you don’t like your partner’s behavior and the way he or she treats you. What about how they help you? After all, that relationship also prevents you from facing the uncertainty, rejection, and loneliness of dating. Your relationship is both dependable and predictable even if you are not satisfied. Predictability is the basis of control. Those are benefits.

What about your responsibility to create the life you want? Blaming your relationship may be providing you with plausible deniability. In fact, a trifling partner may even secretly boost your self-esteem. As long as you stay with him, when things don’t work out, you can say, "I have a bad partner." If you were on your own and things didn’t work out, it would fall on you.

That job you complain so much about also provides you with an excuse to avoid updating your skills and your resume and looking for another job. You can both gripe about your job and avoid competing with other job seekers in the marketplace. Don’t forget to remember, complaining protects you from a competitive job market.

Is your poor health also providing you with attention? or is it allowing you to avoid people and discussions that make you even more uncomfortable? After all, if you keep the focus on your various ailments you can avoid other people or painful feelings. It’s easier to talk about a sore knee, for example, than to talk about childhood sexual abuse.

If you define a situation as being real it becomes real in its consequences. Unconsciously, you could even be gratified by the very situation you complain about so vehemently, because it confirms your belief. We all have a way of seeing what we think. It can feel good to have our beliefs confirmed even when they sabotage us.

Problems often benefit us in ways that we can't see, but unconscious benefits can make it impossible for us to eliminate our problems. 

Here’s a question: would you rather be right or happy?

 

On Narcissism

“I've been arguing with my wife. My kids are flunking school. I hate my boss and my job. I got back problems, high blood pressure, and my dog has diabetes. Do you have a sliding scale?”

”Johnny is going through something. We don't know what's going on with him. He won't clean his room or do his homework. He's been getting angry and talking back. All he wants to do is play video games all day. I'd like to drop him off and have you take a look at him.”

Our American society probably has the highest expectations in human history. We really do expect to find deals, short cuts, or a pill to fix our marriages, our jobs, and our kids. We expect that we can get something for nothing and, thus, escape the work required to improve our situations. Weeks ago, while on the presidential campaign trail, GOP front runner Donald Trump was asked by a reporter who he consulted with on foreign policy matters. He said, "I talk to myself. I know a lot." 

From the client who desires a therapist fix all of their problems, for a reduced fee, to the parent who believes psychotherapy is like auto repair, or the politician who thinks he can govern the United States of America without input from others, narcissists see red when their expectations are not met, when they are handed a reality check that really does require payment.

Narcissism seduces therapists, too. It's so easy to fall into the trap of thinking one really does heal people. In one forty-five minute session, a therapist can think he is really going to say something that will alter the destiny of a client who has been sabotaging himself for years. It's easy to forget that psychotherapist collaborate, facilitate, and communicate, but they don't actually lay hands on and heal anyone. Years of training and experience can cause a therapist to overestimate how skilled he is, and underestimate the tenacity of a client's problem. For talk therapists, narcissism can lead to doing more work than the client, or it can make one personalize the client's progress (or lack thereof).

Narcissism is at the heart of wanting what we want, right now. Inflated by grandiosity the slightest difficulty can puncture our sense of who we are. We can get angry at the world for not complying with our expectations and become disillusioned with our partners, our kids, and our jobs.

When our narcissistic fantasies go unsatisfied we don’t just get disenchanted. Our unhappiness can trigger behavior straight out of a reality TV show: rudeness, defiance, anger, profanity, dishonesty, belligrence, whining, and aggression. "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" have nothing on us. Just look at the current election campaign.

There's no easy way out. No one is going to save us from our own self-centeredness. When life fails to bow to our expectations, we have to accept it without turning into jerks.  

 

Resistance is Fertile

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It's easy to pathologize what we consider bad behavior, but it's important to recognize unhappiness and our resistance to it. People who are abused, disrespected, or ignored take on behaviors that, on the one hand, can be viewed as pathologies and, on the other hand, serve as small acts of self-preservation. Drug use, lying, stealing, and irritability are all coping skills that enable one to resist or continue living when they may very well feel like giving up.

This may be a somewhat difficult idea to wrap one's mind around because of our tendency to place the locus of the problem within the other person rather than recognize that we play a part, especially in intimate relationships. It becomes harder to see that your partner's behavior may be in direct response to your treatment of them; your partner may act the way they do because of something you are doing, rather than tell you, they may act in ways that not only communicate their unhappiness but also carve out for them some way to resist and survive.

Before you go away mad, consider the opportunity this view offers. What if you could have a conversation with your partner about their unhappiness? Well, if you consider their behavior as negative and blame them the conversation will probably shut down before it begins. On the other hand, with the ability to discuss their behavior and take some responsibility for your part you could gain some valuable insight into how to increase not only their happiness but also your own. Their behavior is actually a strength: they are trying to survive in the relationship.

Nagging is not just nagging. Dishonesty is not just dishonesty. Irritability is not just irritability. Nagging, dishonesty, and irritability are all forms of protest, resistance and self-preservation. Rather than stepping stones on the path to divorce these behaviors can represent opportunities to communicate constructively, increase happiness, and create a more intimate relationship.

Empathy can enable you to adopt a new perspective because it will allow you to imagine the suffering of others. Their suffering is not an isolated occurrence but one that is directly related to your own suffering and how you treat them.

 

Porn Problem?

When does porn become a problem? When you can't stop looking at it? When it interferes with your ability to function? When it serves as a gateway to high risk behaviors? What constitutes an addiction is controversial among researchers and scientists. There is no consensus that porn is an addiction. Porn addiction did not make the latest addition of the Diagnostic Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), The bible of mental disorders. However, for the purpose of this article let’s define addiction as any activity or behavior that is mood-altering, habit-forming, with negative consequences. Addiction is also progressive, incurable and can be fatal. In this case, watching porn is not fatal but when it serves as a primer for high risk behaviors, like using prostitutes, it can lead to a fatal outcome.

Until recently drugs were commonly believed to be the only source of addiction. However, researchers continue to expand the list of addictions to include both substances and activities, such as video games, food, and sex. The latter are considered process addictions, and vigorous debate rages among scientists about whether or not they actually constitute addictions at all.

 

Addiction results primarily from disconnection from significant people in our lives. We are social animals, hardwired to connect, with nervous systems designed to grow in close proximity to others. If anything interferes with our ability to remain connected we experience discomfort which signals to us that something is wrong and connection needs to be re-established. Basically we feel anxiety, depression and loneliness. Learn more here.

When connection to others is either not possible or poor, drug and process addictions are often substituted for relationships. Compulsive behaviors serve as repair attempts that fail. Obsessions and compulsions become self-soothing rituals that most people later refer to as addictions. One becomes aware of them when they begin to interfere with their finances, occupation, relationships, and self-esteem.

The question whether porn is an addiction is not relevant here because the more important question is: how is porn affecting your life? Men have begun talking about the problems they have experienced from watching pron. Recently, ex-football player and actor Terry Crews began discussing his porn addiction and recovery. Bottom line: He admitted porn was a problem for him. Here is Ran Gavrieli discussing why he stopped watching porn.

 

Here are some important steps you can take if you believe you have a porn problem or any addiction. Talk to someone knowledgeable about your concerns who can help you create a relapse prevention plan. Educate yourself about addiction. Develop safe coping skills. You will need two kinds when you feel triggered: cognitive and behavioral (soothing self-talk is cognitive, going for a walk is behavioral). Remove all paraphernalia and reminders from your environment. Imagine that you have already stopped looking at porn, what feeling, or situation would trigger you start looking at porn again? Prepare for cravings by answering that question and shoring up your support in those areas. Set a "quit date" no more than two weeks away. If you make your quit date farther out than two weeks, you may be procrastinating. On your quit date stop watching porn and avoid starting again by using your support system, coping skills, and relapse prevention plan.

Remember quitting is easy. Staying stopped is the challenge. If you start again, stop again as quickly as possible. It may take several tries. Getting unhooked is worth it.

On Happiness

One way to seek happiness is through shopping. Consuming your way to nirvana. Spending, gorging, and bling bling’n ‘til your heart's content. When one is regularly moving toward pleasure and away from pain through greed and gluttony one is practicing hedonism.

Another way to seek happiness is to avoid anything painful or laborious. Run, flee, skedaddle from challenges or difficulties. Anything that might promise exertion, avoid at all costs. Or as Bob Marley said, “Don't rock my boat, I don't want my boat to be rock’n.”

But there is a third alternative to consider. Acceptance. With acceptance you don't try to buy your way out of your constriction and you don't dawn your track shoes and start running. When you accept your situation, it doesn't mean you like it or that you don't do anything about it. If you can avoid either of the first two choices, and give yourself a chance to accept your situation, you can begin to change it. You don’t waste your precious resources by running down dead ends.

I’m not suggesting a leap to acceptance to avoid your feelings. Feel your outrage. Experience your internal protest, emotional riot, and meltdown. Don’t fight it. Expect it. Get in touch with your suffering. To experience your suffering fully is a form of compassion. The word "compassion" literally means to sit with suffering. Through self-acceptance you can begin to heal yourself, which leads to happiness. Acceptance is the key.

There are times when buying things will provide some superficial happiness. And other times when avoidance will be useful. My warning to you is, don’t take yourself hostage by using spending or avoidance habitually. Be aware that when you’re purchasing you could be fleeing your feelings, and when you're fleeing your feelings you could be purchasing some future misery. Whenever you try to fix the human condition by using consumerism and avoidance unconsciously you can end up worse off without knowing it until you're out of money and exhausted.

A lot can be gained from people who practice 12-Step recovery. They've learned to accept and avoid using anything addictive one day at a time. That approach provides many of them with a great deal of happiness.

You can try to buy happiness. You can try and run from problems.  Acceptance offers a third alternative.

 

What Goes Around Comes Around

I know it's a cliché, but one that's worth exploring when it comes to relationships. It's almost springtime and love is in the air. There is nothing like a new romantic relationship to get those endorphins firing. They evolved to provide a chemical hook to help us bond with a new love interest by making us feel good about them.

While intoxicated by love the feelings can make one feel alive, like life is worth living. Along with their upside, endorphins can also blind you from seeing aspects of your partner that would otherwise make you think twice about him or her. But while you’re under their spell, feeling invincible, you quickly paint all red flags green. While under the influence, one feels bulletproof. When the high wears off, one feels shot through.

It’s not like the signs are not there it’s just that endorphins are so powerful they can make it impossible for us to see what lies in plain sight and trigger us to rationalize and justify the most outrageous nonsense when we do see inconsistencies.

Take Martha, for example. She loves bad boys. Men with tough guy attitudes and behaviors. Bullies. She never considers that the behavior they direct toward others will come back on her at some point in the future, when she falls out of favor. Intoxicated by love she's rendered helpless. Or take Ted who finds nothing wrong with having dalliances with women who are in relationships with others--until his partner leaves him for someone else.

Back in the day, when I was dating, I had a “road rage rule.” Whenever I saw it, I would politely decline any future outings because if someone I was going out with was driving around threatening other people, I believed, and still do, that when they got upset with me, everything I had witnessed them do to others was headed my way. I can't witness wrongdoing, say nothing, and believe I'm not an accomplice.

I hate to be a buzz-kill, but karma comes up so often, both privately and professionally, I felt compelled to write something about it. Here's the rule: if you witness your significant other doing anything to someone else that you think is foul, don’t think you’re special, immune, or protected. Remember, what goes around comes around.

Why Be Afraid of Something You Want?

“A world that can be explained even with bad reasons is a familiar world.”
— Albert Camus

Why not be afraid of something you want? What’s wrong with setting goals that will challenge you and change your life? Aim higher, do better. I don’t know if we are afraid of what we want as much as we may fear what the process entails: change. The unfamiliar comes with some fear, some doubt, and some anxiety because it should. No one knows what to expect from the unknown.

According to Greek mythology, to create and commit to realizing a goal offended the Gods who, in turn, worked to thwart human striving so man would not encroach on territory reserved for them. When you set out to accomplish something you will be confronted with various difficulties. Problems will arise on the path that you must overcome.

We are all built like thermostats that regulate the temperature in a room. When cold air drops below the thermostat’s set-point, the heat fires. When heat exceeds the thermostat’s set-point, the air conditioner activates. We all have our own self-esteem set-point. When we experience too much success, we can quickly behave in ways that return us to our emotional set-point or where we feel most comfortable. Conversely, when we find ourselves uncomfortable and our boat sinking, we quickly begin to take actions necessary to restore us to our comfort zone or bail water.

We can’t outperform our sense of self. We will find a way to make our world match our  beliefs about who we are. When we attempt to change we can become fearful. Even if we act fearless by hiding our anxiety, it’s there and it reverberates in our spirits. It takes work to re-set ourselves so that we can tolerate increased success and accomplish our goals.

Courage appears to be the antidote to this human dilemma. Courage allows one to be afraid but  continue moving in the desired direction. Courage enables one to recognize and accept fear as a part of the human condition and be with it rather than escape it an abandon their goal.  From this perspective, fear does not have to prevent you from reaching your goals. On the contrary, fear is essential to helping you reach your goal. Without it you may not have a goal worth pursuing and you will never activate the courage necessary to proceed.

 

Sitting With It

It takes practice and skill to sit. I thought it was easy. How often do I just sit? I'm telling you it's challenging not to cave in and start doing stuff. Like thinking, for example. Whenever I sit I start thinking, stressing or fretting over some new catastrophe that is certainly going to kill me this time. Or daydreaming, that mental excursion designed to help me flee the emotional experience of...whatever. My mind never shuts off. I think so much I really do believe I'm sitting when what I'm actually doing is following my mind, like a parent chasing after a toddler, trying to keep her from wandering into dangerous territory. I can't front­­­­—sitting ain't easy.

I notice other people find sitting difficult, too. They want to explain a problem, solve a problem, ignore a problem, exaggerate a problem, minimize a problem. They can't just sit. Because we have so much difficulty sitting with ourselves, we have difficulty sitting with each other. We all want to do something, even if we don't know what the something is we want to do.

Take, for example, my experience with Pearl, an African American woman I see every Monday.

“My hands are lethal weapons. I can kill you with one blow,” she says as she pushes the front door open to the community mental health office where I work. Scarf tied to her head, white rimmed sunglasses, numerous necklaces, neck scarf, blouse, leggings, and tennis shoes. She looks like some psychedelic space traveler with a mothership parked outside. Her fetid clothing assaults my respiratory system. She refuses to take medication, so her delusions rise even above her body odor.

Tearfully she laments, “They don't like me cause I'm white. Why they don't like me?”

Her mind never stops, often not even for sleep. Persecuted by her own thoughts, she can't sit still.

Her symptoms make it difficult if not impossible to engage her in any meaningful way. (I'm defining meaningful as getting her to begin taking her medication and managing her symptoms.) However, like the rest of us, she is both here and not here, and learning how to sit with her for me is meaningful. Her psychosis lies outside any treatment plan. To be with her, to sit with her, to hold space with her requires that I reduce my narcissistic expectations and be with uncertainty. Accept, listen, and allow her to be who she is. The way that she is. Just sit.

It's not difficult to sit with her. It is difficult to sit with powerlessness, vulnerability, and the shame of knowing I cannot help her. I cannot change her into someone else. It's not difficult to sit with her. It's difficult to sit with the knowledge that my mind can leave me at any time, too.   

Sitting helps you get over yourself. Sitting teaches you how to sit with others. Sitting gives you the experience of powerlessness. Sitting puts stuff in your face. So the next time you see an advertisement for mindfulness, a white woman in a leotard, sitting by a still pond inviting you to sit, remember sitting is not an escape. Sitting is not a vacation. Sitting is work. Don't do anything. Just sit.

How Domestic Violence Can Effect Children

Children who experience domestic violence often grow into adults who have difficulty with authority figures.

It is important to remember, when frightened, as a first course of action, primates turn to each other rather than on each other. We do not burrow holes or hide or climb trees to escape. When we cannot turn to a bigger, stronger person for protection and support, it raises anxiety and fear in us.

Domestic violence poses a complicated problem because when a caregiver is frightening and violent it undermines our hard-wired need to connect. When our earliest caregivers are unapproachable we develop strategies to avoid them because they elicit disappointment and fear in us. One way to cope is to learn to become angrier and more violent than they are. Another way to cope is to flee or become avoidant. With no safe way to protest, children learn to “flee” by hiding their feelings out of fear of reprisal from a parent they believe will retaliate violently against them.  

Families have emotional display rules. I grew up in a household with parents who graduated from the “old school” when it came to parenting. Don’t talk back. Don’t argue. Don’t question, or I’ll give you something to be angry about. What I’m referring to here is an ass whipping. All that style of parenting does is drive behavior underground. It also forces the locus of control outside the child. Remember the preacher’s kid? That dude would behave flawlessly while in church or in his parents’ presence, but once church was over, and he was no longer within the sphere of parental influence, he’d run amok.

Parents are our first authority figures. As we grow older, teachers, bosses, and intimate partners become our authority figures. Children who grow up afraid of their parents, often grow into adults who learn to hide their feelings or act out behind their perceived authority figure’s back. That is not to say they don’t also turn into perpetrators of violence themselves, but my aim here is to highlight a subtler effect of domestic violence on children.

Many adults with the type of childhood experience described here grow into adults who find it difficult, if not impossible, to articulate their feelings. When avoidance becomes the norm, any number of compulsive self-defeating behaviors can be used to hide vulnerability. Passive aggression is a huge problem in a great number of relationships.

The inability to voice disappointment leaves one in a double bind. On the one hand, one can’t explain the problem and get the other person to change their behavior, and on the other hand, one also has to endure their own wounding negative self-talk for not behaving assertively, or what Buddhist refer to as “the second arrow.”

Unhealthy relationships are marked by the partners’ inability to voice displeasure, express uncomfortable feelings, and work together to solve problems. Relationships are doomed when the atmosphere is not conducive to open communication. It’s hard to solve a problem you cannot discuss.  In a healthy relationship, both parties are free to express themselves, empathy, understanding, and forgiveness are possible, thus enabling both parties to increase communication, resolve problems, forgive, and move forward. 

National Survey Children's Exposure to Violence

Effects of Domestic Violence on Children Who Witness It

Ages and Developmental Stages: Symptoms of Exposure to Trauma

Falling Together

As a psychotherapist, I’m tasked with helping my clients deal with change. I thought it would be a good idea to provide you with a few thoughts on the subject. My goal is to encourage you to think about your attitude and ideas about the subject. I also want to make you aware of how I can help you when you either want to change something or when you have to face some change that has been thrust upon you. It is important to consider this subject not only because change is inevitable but also because change represents one of the most stressful occurrences in your life. A good psychotherapist can help you see how your life may be falling together when it appears to be falling apart.

How do we change? Smoking cessation researchers Prochaska and DiClemente theorized that people change in stages. Their States of Change Model describes, pre-contemplation, contemplation, action, and maintenance as the stages we pass through on the way to no longer smoking. Dr. Allan Schore posits that the brain grows from organization to disorganization to organization on a higher level. Recovering drug addicts believe, a relapse can bring about a more rigorous application of recovery principals. Life is up and down like a sound wave which turns down after reaching its peak.

Change is hard and transitions can be stressful. Even though it is inevitable and you still have to cope with it throughout your lifetime. None of us are very good at it consistently. For any number of reasons, your life can become disorganized without your permission. You can find yourself experiencing a great deal of stress through no fault of your own or anyone else’s for that matter. Things just change. The stress of it can throw you off balance and make you feel awful. Stress can make you stupid. It makes you forget to remember that change is constant, that you have been surviving change your entire life, and that figuring out who’s at fault is not as important as making adjustments and coping with it. The stress comes from suddenly having to let go of what you know and embrace the unknown.

One thing that helps is having someone to talk to who has experience navigating the change process. Someone who can identify where you are and who can predict what to expect can be most helpful. That support could be the difference between being able to persevere by conserving energy, money, and avoiding bad decisions. A good psychotherapist can help you during turbulent times. I can help you identify your strengths, refocus your thoughts, and sooth your frayed nerves. That is what good professional psychotherapy is all about. What value would you place on my helping you forecast what to expect and how to prepare for it?

Endings

“Endings are beginnings.” I hear people say that sometimes in an effort to provide comfort. As helpful as they can try to be you still have to go through the discomfort of letting go and all the painful feelings that ensue.

One reason endings can be so unpleasant is that you may have never wanted the relationship to end. You may have even found yourself blindsided by a partner who, unbeknownst to you, decided to disconnect. 

Even when you decide to end a sick relationship, the pain can be unbearable. You may even toss a grenade into your relationship to create a diversion to avoid your feelings and to flee. You are not the first person to start an argument or blame your partner, in order to leave a failing relationship.  

Why? I'm suspicious that you may be ambivalent and not recognize it, or recognize it and not know how to deal with it. It's hard to admit, “I love you, but I'm leaving.” Anger developed to help us hide primary feelings like disappointment, shame, and guilt. Anger can be used as a means of image control, according to Dr. Raymond Novaco who posits that anger used in that way may serve to display strength and resolve rather than sadness and vulnerability. Anger and bitterness can disguise love, fear, and sadness. Anger is a fine intoxicant. Loss can be one of the most painful experiences of your life.  

Feelings, no matter how strong, will not kill you. In fact, as Nietzsche said, “if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger.” The strength you gain from facing endings and the feelings they evoke can make future relationships more satisfying.  

There is a way out. By embracing your humanity, you can allow yourself to experience your feelings—the good, the bad, and the painful. In that way, you can not only survive the loss but also gain inner strength as a result. By adopting a humble approach, rather than dodging uncomfortable emotions, you can learn how to improve your connection to yourself and others.  

Relationships are not permanent. Your job is to love wholeheartedly. That's impossible to do if you are afraid or misdirected by your feelings.

 

On Trauma

Written on December 2, 2015

 

On Friday the 13th, the world was rocked by another terrorist attack—this time in Paris where assailants simultaneously attacked numerous locations throughout the city leaving scores dead. People who commit these types of crimes often feel marginalized by society and, as a result, unhappy with their lives. Their unhappiness can lead to cruelty as they vie for personal gratification, greater awareness of their grievances, and justice. Terrorism is one way to elevate a conflict and make grievances conscious to others. Many of us feel frightened and confused about these acts, the world, and our place in it. How we can respond to these traumatic events in a less destructive, healthy way? Read more.

Addiction Relapse Prevention Possible by Exploring Drug-Associated Memories

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Memories contribute to who we are and our experience of life. Recovering drug addicts can avoid relapsing by exploring drug-associated memories through mindfulness practice. When memories are positive they provide us with a sense of joy and well-being. But when our memories are unpleasant they can compel us to avoid them at all costs. We can find ourselves withdrawing from others, avoiding anything that might trigger a negative memory, or trying to escape our thoughts and feelings all together.

Humans evolved with a negative bias which enabled us to survive in a predaceous world. Is that a tan rock in the distance? Or a lion. Our early ancestors who could not discern the difference ended up on the dinner table. We remember. According to Professor Robert Sapolsky, zebras don’t get ulcers because zebras only think about lions when lions are present. We, on the other hand, think about lions (or negative events) all the time.

While drug use can be considered an unsuccessful repair attempt, at its core, addictive drug use is rooted in memories both positive and negative. Because memories are so powerful many people would like to avoid thinking and, thus, re-experiencing the feelings associated with memories. Exploring those memories through mindfulness practice offers recovering people the greatest opportunity to successfully avoid relapse. Mindfulness practice teaches us how to experience our thoughts in a more productive way by inviting us to accept our thoughts and feelings without ruminating, judging, or trying to fix how we feel.

By learning how to breathe, relax, and simply observe our thoughts we can increase our capacity to tolerate various emotional states without turning to compulsive behavior. With practice and time we can develop a non-threatening relationship with our own thoughts.

As scientist search for a cure for addiction, a pill that will enable us ignore its siren call, I remain doubtful. My skepticism is born out of my experience with nasal sprays—which worked wonderfully for about two hours after which my nostrils were blocked far worse than before. That experience taught me about the concept of rebound. Addiction is a rebounding condition. Recovering addicts don’t get to return to the beginning stage of their addiction if they start using drugs again. Their addiction picks up where it left off and they quickly discover that it is far worse than before.

I can’t imagine the side effects of any pill capable for curing addiction. Mindfulness has no side effects. It also increases the capacity for compassion for self and others. It can also decrease the effects of trauma. Studies have shown that it helps decrease chronic pain. It is effective in reducing both depression and anxiety. Mindfulness is something you can learn and practice anytime and it is free.

Mindfulness does not erase memories or empty the contents of your mind. Your mind will not become a blank slate. Over time, with practice, mindfulness can take the charge out of memories by teaching us how to accept without judgment our thoughts and feelings. Mindfulness teaches us how to be happy.