The Not-So-Hidden Cost of Bad Co-Parenting

Why good intentions aren't always enough to make co-parenting work

Co-parenting “for the sake of the children” can sometimes be a mistake.

That may sound counterintuitive. After all, aren't parents supposed to put their differences aside and work together for their children?

Ideally, yes. But wanting to cooperate and being emotionally prepared to cooperate are not the same thing.

If you despise the other parent, are still deeply hurt by betrayal, or cannot engage in difficult conversations without becoming hostile or defensive, you may not be ready to co-parent.

You may want to. You may genuinely believe that you can. Your intentions may be good.

But co-parenting is not supposed to be an adversarial relationship.

When the Past Interferes With Parenting

Even in healthy relationships, parenting requires constant communication, negotiation, flexibility, and problem-solving.

Children grow. Their needs change. Unexpected situations arise. Parents must make decisions about school, health, discipline, schedules, relationships, and countless other matters.

Now imagine trying to navigate those responsibilities with someone you resent, distrust, or feel betrayed by.

Those feelings don't simply disappear because two people have agreed to co-parent. They often become distractions and barriers to effective collaboration.

Instead of discussing what their child needs, parents may find themselves arguing about what happened in their relationship.

The parenting conversation becomes another opportunity to revisit old injuries.

The bottom line is simple: If you cannot collaborate, you cannot effectively co-parent.

That doesn't mean you cannot be a good parent. It means that collaborative co-parenting may not be the right arrangement for you, at least not yet.

Do You Need a Judge or a Referee?

In my work with parents, I sometimes encounter two fundamentally decent people who genuinely want what's best for their children.

They have good intentions. They love their children. They want to do the right thing.

But when they sit down together, their unresolved relationship conflicts take over.

A conversation about a child's schedule becomes an argument about betrayal. A disagreement about discipline becomes an accusation about someone's character. A simple request becomes another opportunity to settle an old score.

Sometimes, when I sit with parents in these situations, it's hard to tell whether they need a judge or a referee.

And while the adults are fighting, the child's actual needs can get lost in the conversation.

This is one of the hidden costs of bad co-parenting: The energy that could be devoted to raising the child is consumed by managing conflict between the adults.

Individual Therapy May Be the First Step

One possible solution is for each parent to pursue individual therapy before attempting more collaborative co-parenting.

Individual therapy can provide a place to process anger, betrayal, grief, resentment, and other unresolved feelings without making parenting interactions the outlet for those emotions.

It can also help parents build skills in emotional regulation, communication, and conflict management.

This doesn't mean that parents must forgive each other, become friends, or resolve every disagreement before they can raise their children effectively.

It means they need to develop enough emotional stability to keep their past relationship from repeatedly interfering with their present parenting responsibilities.

After all, it is nearly impossible to insult someone and ask for their help at the same time.

Parallel Parenting: A Harm-Reduction Approach

When parents cannot manage their conflict, parallel parenting may be a more realistic alternative.

Unlike collaborative co-parenting, parallel parenting minimizes direct interaction between parents. Each parent manages day-to-day parenting responsibilities during their own parenting time, within the boundaries of their parenting agreement or court orders.

Communication is generally limited to essential information about the child, and clear procedures are established for handling schedules, exchanges, and important decisions.

The immediate goal is not close cooperation. It is reducing opportunities for conflict.

Parallel parenting can be understood as a form of harm reduction.

Rather than repeatedly placing two hostile adults in situations where conflict is likely, the arrangement creates boundaries that allow each parent to focus on parenting.

For some families, this can reduce tension, increase predictability, and help protect children from ongoing parental hostility.

However, parallel parenting has limitations.

Children may still experience inconsistent expectations between households, difficulties with transitions, or emotional strain when hostility remains unresolved. Important decisions may also require communication that parents find difficult.

And when children are exposed to persistent conflict, they may feel pressured to take sides, carry messages, or manage their parents' emotions.

Children should not have to carry these responsibilities.

Parallel parenting may reduce exposure to conflict, but it does not automatically resolve the underlying problems.

The Intention–Action Gap in Parenting

One thing I encourage parents to examine is the difference between their intentions and their actual behavior.

Most parents I encounter want to do right by their children.

But wanting to do something and consistently doing it are two different things.

A parent may sincerely intend to remain calm during an exchange, only to become angry when the other parent says something upsetting.

Another may intend to communicate respectfully but repeatedly send hostile messages.

These situations illustrate what I call the intention–action gap: the distance between what we intend to do and what we can reliably accomplish.

Recognizing that gap is not about assigning blame. It is about identifying the obstacles that interfere with our ability to act on our intentions.

Sometimes those obstacles involve unresolved emotional injuries. Sometimes they involve difficulties with emotional regulation, impulse control, or communication. Sometimes the parenting arrangement itself creates unnecessary opportunities for conflict.

The task is to identify those barriers and develop practical ways to manage them.

For some parents, that means improving their ability to collaborate.

For others, it means recognizing that greater distance and clearer boundaries may be healthier for everyone involved.

What Is Actually Best for the Children?

Parents frequently say they are trying to co-parent “for the sake of the children.”

But that raises an important question:

Are the children actually benefiting from the arrangement, or are they being repeatedly exposed to conflict in the name of cooperation?

We should evaluate parenting arrangements by what they accomplish, not simply by what the adults intend.

A cooperative arrangement that repeatedly produces hostility may be less beneficial than a parallel arrangement that provides stability and reduces conflict.

And in situations involving intimidation, coercive control, or abuse, greater collaboration may be inappropriate or unsafe. Safety must take priority, and parenting arrangements may require specialized professional and legal guidance.

The goal is not to force parents into a particular model. It is to create an environment in which children can experience safety, stability, and meaningful relationships with their caregivers whenever those relationships are safe.

A More Realistic Starting Point

Let's be clear.

Co-parenting is not always good.

Parallel parenting is not ideal for every family.

But given the realities many families face, parallel parenting may be the most functional option available.

It may also create the emotional distance parents need to begin doing their own work.

Some may eventually develop the capacity for more collaborative parenting. Others may find that maintaining clear boundaries remains the healthiest arrangement.

Either way, success should not be measured by how often parents communicate or how closely they work together.

It should be measured by whether their parenting arrangement supports their children's well-being.

Ultimately, good parenting isn't shown by how well you get along with your former partner. It is demonstrated by how effectively you meet your child's needs.

Gerald Chambers, LMFT, provides online therapy for individuals and couples in California, including support with relationship conflict, co-parenting challenges, emotional regulation, and family transitions.

To learn more about therapy services, visit geraldchambers.com.