How Domestic Violence Can Effect Children

Children who experience domestic violence often grow into adults who have difficulty with authority figures.

It is important to remember, when frightened, as a first course of action, primates turn to each other rather than on each other. We do not burrow holes or hide or climb trees to escape. When we cannot turn to a bigger, stronger person for protection and support, it raises anxiety and fear in us.

Domestic violence poses a complicated problem because when a caregiver is frightening and violent it undermines our hard-wired need to connect. When our earliest caregivers are unapproachable we develop strategies to avoid them because they elicit disappointment and fear in us. One way to cope is to learn to become angrier and more violent than they are. Another way to cope is to flee or become avoidant. With no safe way to protest, children learn to “flee” by hiding their feelings out of fear of reprisal from a parent they believe will retaliate violently against them.  

Families have emotional display rules. I grew up in a household with parents who graduated from the “old school” when it came to parenting. Don’t talk back. Don’t argue. Don’t question, or I’ll give you something to be angry about. What I’m referring to here is an ass whipping. All that style of parenting does is drive behavior underground. It also forces the locus of control outside the child. Remember the preacher’s kid? That dude would behave flawlessly while in church or in his parents’ presence, but once church was over, and he was no longer within the sphere of parental influence, he’d run amok.

Parents are our first authority figures. As we grow older, teachers, bosses, and intimate partners become our authority figures. Children who grow up afraid of their parents, often grow into adults who learn to hide their feelings or act out behind their perceived authority figure’s back. That is not to say they don’t also turn into perpetrators of violence themselves, but my aim here is to highlight a subtler effect of domestic violence on children.

Many adults with the type of childhood experience described here grow into adults who find it difficult, if not impossible, to articulate their feelings. When avoidance becomes the norm, any number of compulsive self-defeating behaviors can be used to hide vulnerability. Passive aggression is a huge problem in a great number of relationships.

The inability to voice disappointment leaves one in a double bind. On the one hand, one can’t explain the problem and get the other person to change their behavior, and on the other hand, one also has to endure their own wounding negative self-talk for not behaving assertively, or what Buddhist refer to as “the second arrow.”

Unhealthy relationships are marked by the partners’ inability to voice displeasure, express uncomfortable feelings, and work together to solve problems. Relationships are doomed when the atmosphere is not conducive to open communication. It’s hard to solve a problem you cannot discuss.  In a healthy relationship, both parties are free to express themselves, empathy, understanding, and forgiveness are possible, thus enabling both parties to increase communication, resolve problems, forgive, and move forward. 

National Survey Children's Exposure to Violence

Effects of Domestic Violence on Children Who Witness It

Ages and Developmental Stages: Symptoms of Exposure to Trauma

Falling Together

As a psychotherapist, I’m tasked with helping my clients deal with change. I thought it would be a good idea to provide you with a few thoughts on the subject. My goal is to encourage you to think about your attitude and ideas about the subject. I also want to make you aware of how I can help you when you either want to change something or when you have to face some change that has been thrust upon you. It is important to consider this subject not only because change is inevitable but also because change represents one of the most stressful occurrences in your life. A good psychotherapist can help you see how your life may be falling together when it appears to be falling apart.

How do we change? Smoking cessation researchers Prochaska and DiClemente theorized that people change in stages. Their States of Change Model describes, pre-contemplation, contemplation, action, and maintenance as the stages we pass through on the way to no longer smoking. Dr. Allan Schore posits that the brain grows from organization to disorganization to organization on a higher level. Recovering drug addicts believe, a relapse can bring about a more rigorous application of recovery principals. Life is up and down like a sound wave which turns down after reaching its peak.

Change is hard and transitions can be stressful. Even though it is inevitable and you still have to cope with it throughout your lifetime. None of us are very good at it consistently. For any number of reasons, your life can become disorganized without your permission. You can find yourself experiencing a great deal of stress through no fault of your own or anyone else’s for that matter. Things just change. The stress of it can throw you off balance and make you feel awful. Stress can make you stupid. It makes you forget to remember that change is constant, that you have been surviving change your entire life, and that figuring out who’s at fault is not as important as making adjustments and coping with it. The stress comes from suddenly having to let go of what you know and embrace the unknown.

One thing that helps is having someone to talk to who has experience navigating the change process. Someone who can identify where you are and who can predict what to expect can be most helpful. That support could be the difference between being able to persevere by conserving energy, money, and avoiding bad decisions. A good psychotherapist can help you during turbulent times. I can help you identify your strengths, refocus your thoughts, and sooth your frayed nerves. That is what good professional psychotherapy is all about. What value would you place on my helping you forecast what to expect and how to prepare for it?

Endings

“Endings are beginnings.” I hear people say that sometimes in an effort to provide comfort. As helpful as they can try to be you still have to go through the discomfort of letting go and all the painful feelings that ensue.

One reason endings can be so unpleasant is that you may have never wanted the relationship to end. You may have even found yourself blindsided by a partner who, unbeknownst to you, decided to disconnect. 

Even when you decide to end a sick relationship, the pain can be unbearable. You may even toss a grenade into your relationship to create a diversion to avoid your feelings and to flee. You are not the first person to start an argument or blame your partner, in order to leave a failing relationship.  

Why? I'm suspicious that you may be ambivalent and not recognize it, or recognize it and not know how to deal with it. It's hard to admit, “I love you, but I'm leaving.” Anger developed to help us hide primary feelings like disappointment, shame, and guilt. Anger can be used as a means of image control, according to Dr. Raymond Novaco who posits that anger used in that way may serve to display strength and resolve rather than sadness and vulnerability. Anger and bitterness can disguise love, fear, and sadness. Anger is a fine intoxicant. Loss can be one of the most painful experiences of your life.  

Feelings, no matter how strong, will not kill you. In fact, as Nietzsche said, “if it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger.” The strength you gain from facing endings and the feelings they evoke can make future relationships more satisfying.  

There is a way out. By embracing your humanity, you can allow yourself to experience your feelings—the good, the bad, and the painful. In that way, you can not only survive the loss but also gain inner strength as a result. By adopting a humble approach, rather than dodging uncomfortable emotions, you can learn how to improve your connection to yourself and others.  

Relationships are not permanent. Your job is to love wholeheartedly. That's impossible to do if you are afraid or misdirected by your feelings.

 

On Trauma

Written on December 2, 2015

 

On Friday the 13th, the world was rocked by another terrorist attack—this time in Paris where assailants simultaneously attacked numerous locations throughout the city leaving scores dead. People who commit these types of crimes often feel marginalized by society and, as a result, unhappy with their lives. Their unhappiness can lead to cruelty as they vie for personal gratification, greater awareness of their grievances, and justice. Terrorism is one way to elevate a conflict and make grievances conscious to others. Many of us feel frightened and confused about these acts, the world, and our place in it. How we can respond to these traumatic events in a less destructive, healthy way? Read more.

Addiction Relapse Prevention Possible by Exploring Drug-Associated Memories

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Memories contribute to who we are and our experience of life. Recovering drug addicts can avoid relapsing by exploring drug-associated memories through mindfulness practice. When memories are positive they provide us with a sense of joy and well-being. But when our memories are unpleasant they can compel us to avoid them at all costs. We can find ourselves withdrawing from others, avoiding anything that might trigger a negative memory, or trying to escape our thoughts and feelings all together.

Humans evolved with a negative bias which enabled us to survive in a predaceous world. Is that a tan rock in the distance? Or a lion. Our early ancestors who could not discern the difference ended up on the dinner table. We remember. According to Professor Robert Sapolsky, zebras don’t get ulcers because zebras only think about lions when lions are present. We, on the other hand, think about lions (or negative events) all the time.

While drug use can be considered an unsuccessful repair attempt, at its core, addictive drug use is rooted in memories both positive and negative. Because memories are so powerful many people would like to avoid thinking and, thus, re-experiencing the feelings associated with memories. Exploring those memories through mindfulness practice offers recovering people the greatest opportunity to successfully avoid relapse. Mindfulness practice teaches us how to experience our thoughts in a more productive way by inviting us to accept our thoughts and feelings without ruminating, judging, or trying to fix how we feel.

By learning how to breathe, relax, and simply observe our thoughts we can increase our capacity to tolerate various emotional states without turning to compulsive behavior. With practice and time we can develop a non-threatening relationship with our own thoughts.

As scientist search for a cure for addiction, a pill that will enable us ignore its siren call, I remain doubtful. My skepticism is born out of my experience with nasal sprays—which worked wonderfully for about two hours after which my nostrils were blocked far worse than before. That experience taught me about the concept of rebound. Addiction is a rebounding condition. Recovering addicts don’t get to return to the beginning stage of their addiction if they start using drugs again. Their addiction picks up where it left off and they quickly discover that it is far worse than before.

I can’t imagine the side effects of any pill capable for curing addiction. Mindfulness has no side effects. It also increases the capacity for compassion for self and others. It can also decrease the effects of trauma. Studies have shown that it helps decrease chronic pain. It is effective in reducing both depression and anxiety. Mindfulness is something you can learn and practice anytime and it is free.

Mindfulness does not erase memories or empty the contents of your mind. Your mind will not become a blank slate. Over time, with practice, mindfulness can take the charge out of memories by teaching us how to accept without judgment our thoughts and feelings. Mindfulness teaches us how to be happy.    

 

An Arrow From Cupid

Written on February 20, 2015

-Gerald Chamber, MFTI

 

Due to Valentine’s Day love is in the air and I thought I would write something about relationships. After all a Valentine symbolizes a heartfelt expression of what your relationship means to you. While that may be its traditional meaning, the holiday can also serve as a painful reminder if you are not in a relationship or if you find yourself experiencing emotional and physical withdrawal from your partner, even if you are the one who has checked out of the relationship. 

Read more.

Men's Groups Save Lives.

Men, especially black men, suffer disproportionately from all the major diseases, most of which are stress related. Stress attacks us from everywhere, work, society, nature, but the argument I'm going to make here is that most stress comes from how we relate to others.

From working with men in my groups over the years it's obvious that many of them have difficulty saying what they need to say, in ways that help them reduce stress, remain employed, and maintain their relationships. If you still believe you can avoid expressing what you need to say to your employer, friends or partner and keep your stress level under control, good luck.

Learning to identify what's bothering you and how to discuss it constructively is the key to better health and improved relationships. A good men's group can help you in so many ways. It can help you learn about the contributing factors that lead to problems in your life. A group can help you label issues you don't have words for, and a group also allows you to rehearse the statements you want to express to important people in your life and practice, thus increasing your chances for success. It can help you feel less isolated and alone by allowing you to receive the support and empathy you need in order to change. That's the kind of men's group I have.

Helping men keep their health, lives, and relationships together is what a good men's group should do. You should leave each session disillusioned with doing things the same old way and feeling empowered to change.

Keep showing up on your job and in your relationship saying how you feel without the benefits of a men’s group. Yea, just, "Keep it real" and see what happens. I'm telling you, men's groups save lives.