I need to say this one more time: stop complaining by accusing. There’s a world of difference between saying, “You are abandoning your grandson,” and saying, “We miss you,” or “We haven’t seen you in a while — when are you planning to come by?”

When complaints land like accusations, conflict is almost inevitable. The accused person naturally becomes defensive — it’s a reflex. Then, we respond to their defensiveness, and suddenly, the conversation spirals out of control. What may have started as a desire for connection or resolution turns into tension and distance.

It’s surprisingly easy to communicate in unhelpful ways without realizing it. That’s why it’s so important to pause and think before voicing a complaint. Ask yourself three key questions:

1. What’s the problem?

2. How does the problem make me feel?

3. What do I need?

When you focus on these essentials, you’re far less likely to fall into the trap of criticizing someone’s behavior in a way that triggers defensiveness. People don’t change when they feel attacked — they dig in deeper.

By mixing complaint with accusation, you might be creating the very problem you’re trying to solve. So the next time you feel the urge to complain, choose your words carefully. Your relationships will thank you.